Fatter & More Cynical: What I've Learned Since Graduating High School. . .

I realized this morning that it is fast approaching the ten year mark of my graduation from high school, and it has led me to examine all the profound (*laughs hysterically) life lessons I've learned since the nubile age of 17.  Read on to gain insight into the staggering wisdom of a tortured genius. (i.e. me). LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, HIGH SCHOOL PUTAS!

Life Lesson #1: Never, ever, EVER wear white shorts/pants during your period. I don’t CARE how heavy-duty and TSS-inducing you think your tampon is. In fact, don't wear white if you have even the slightest suspicion that your cooter might bleed at some point soon. DO NOT DO IT. I still have PTSD flashbacks of the day I bled profusely all over my new Hollister shorts and tried to convince people I'd just sat in ketchup. Unsurprisingly, nobody believed this story. 

Life Lesson #2: You might smoke weed for the first time soon, and for those of you like me—who are ridden with debilitating levels of anxiety—I cannot stress this next point enough: Regardless of what it feels like in the moment, YOU ARE NOT DYING. Marijuana can inspire a special kind of paranoia that often ruins the entire experience for people like me and my feeble-minded brethren. You might feel certain that you're on the cusp of death after taking a hit of a joint, but you're not. Listen, I totally understand that you think you can't breathe. I get that it feels like the dizziness might never stop. I've BEEN there. But trust me, you're fine. Don't do what my dear (dumbass) friend did. Don't call your mom to come save you and subsequently forget, thanks to your drug-addled state, and THEN call for an ambulance immediately after. Don’t do any of that. I ESPECIALLY don't advise eating an entire brick of Costco cheddar cheese (sharp, in case you were wondering) after the munchies set in, because you'll spend the entire next day shitting out bits of your intestines and dignity.

Life Lesson #3: If you almost shit your pants every time you eat cheese, you might be lactose intolerant. Get that shit checked out.

Life Lesson #4: Don't ditch Geometry for three consecutive years. I know it blows, and I'm aware that only sociopaths enjoy proofs, but you're going to feel way worse when you're the senior being tutored by freshmen that call you ma'am.

Life Lesson #5: Every single high school has had their own version of the infamous anal sex/shitting urban legend. You know the one I'm talking about. The tale usually goes something along these lines: Unsuspecting girl allows some meathead guy to stick his dick in her ass. Girl then shits all over guy and/or floor and/or car, etc. In some versions of the story, vomiting ensues. But hilarious as this story is (especially when the victim of this story is your estranged ex-best friend, as was the case at my high school) I think enough time has passed that we all grow the fuck up, and accept the fact that this story is most likely bullshit. There's no way every high school has their own anal sex mascot.

Life Lesson #6. Not getting asked to prom isn't as uncommon as the rest of the world wants you to think it is. I went through my entire high school career without ever ONCE being asked to a formal dance. And the Sadie Hawkins dance I was invited to freshman year doesn't count, for obvious reasons. 

Life Lesson #7: BOYS AREN’T SHIT!! I cannot reiterate this point enough. High school boys are inelegant and brutish. They will unintentionally and sometimes intentionally hurt you. All they care about at this age is Fortnight and fellatio, in that order. And to be totally honest, a staggering number of them never grow out of this stage. When I was in high school, I spent a year intermittently hooking up with a football player (whom I like to call Voldemort, because he shall not be named) in his bright red 1969 Mustang. We would park on any random cul-de-sac in my neighborhood, and spend hours finding ways to awkwardly navigate the other's body. These moments were terrifying and exhilarating and tantalizing in a way that made me SO excited for the future, and for all the rest of the grown-up experiences just waiting for me like a smorgasbord of adventure.  But then he started pretending he didn’t know me when we passed in the school hallways. He would look at the ground if I tried to shoot him a smile that would gradually mutate into more of a grimace. These interactions (or non-interactions, really) left me feeling used and invisible. I felt forgotten. It wasn’t until five years later, when Football Player Voldemort and I ran into each other again, that I got to hear his side of the story. I learned that those moments we'd shared in that red 1969 Mustang had also been his introduction to the stressful yet delightful world of sexuality, and that like me, he had no idea what the fuck he was doing. He told me he’d had a crush on me from afar for years, but was shy and hadn’t known how to proceed. He said he’d wanted to ask me to prom, but that I’d ended things between us in a self-righteous rage (that he found incomprehensible and confusing) the month before tickets went on sale. The point I’m trying to make here is that high school boys are admittedly savages—they’re just clueless savages. Don’t fault all men forever because of the atrocities committed against you by high school boys. In many cases, they know not what they do.   

Life Lesson #8: Do not draw out dysfunctional high school romances into adulthood. There are way too many other (bigger) dicks in the world to settle for the first one you fall upon.

Life Lesson #9: Pep rallies fucking suck, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a liar who is not to be trusted.

Life Lesson #10. DON'T wax your whole face in pursuit of a smoother makeup application, unless you want the entire surface of your face to be covered in a mosaic of pus-filled whiteheads, like some sort of disfigured toad.

Life Lesson #11: DO NOT overpluck your eyebrows!!!! DON'T DO IT. This is a traumatic rite of passage that every coming-of-age female has gone through. I firmly believe that there's an evil little monster that lives within each and every teenage girl, with the sole mission of convincing poor, impressionable idiots like me that her eyebrows would look super sexy if they were shaped like sperm-commas.

Life Lesson #12: I know you think older guys are hot, and I KNOW you want to bang your teachers, but any old dude willing to fraternize with teenagers—ESPECIALLY a teacher—is a fucking creep. 

Shit That's Gone Down Recently. . .

This list is in no particular order. It is not centered on a cohesive topic. Don't try to find an overarching theme to this post. It makes about as much sense as my jumbled-ass psyche.

1. Lately there has been an overwhelming influx of whirlwind celebrity engagements, the likes of which we haven't seen since the days of Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian. To name a few of the recently engaged: Ariana Grande & Pete Davidson, Justin Bieber & Hailey Baldwin, and now Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra. All these crazy kids have been dating less than two months, and the only thing I can fixate on is whether they were smart enough to sign prenups. On another note, there is a apparently a viral (albeit ridiculous) Twitter theory making the rounds, alleging that the recent engagements can be attributed to impending apocalyptic mayhem. I have included a screenshot below for reference.

2. I recently discovered the existence of an AMAZING UK television series called 100% Hotter. This utterly delightful garbage centers around a team of three stylists tasked with performing radical makeunders on guests who are deemed to be "too much" by their friends and families. It evokes memories of long-ago days spent watching America's Next Top Model and other similarly superficial trash. Binge it. You won't be sorry.

3. My mind was fucking BLOWN this week when, according to The Cut, I learned that Anne Hathaway apparently once dated a con man. Insert confused face. The article states that little ol' Annie's ex, Raffaello Follieri, allegedly pled guilty to 14 counts of wire fraud, conspiracy, and money laundering. It goes on to say that our favorite princess of Genovia was never informed of her beau's shady dealings and seemed to have no involvement with the heist. "While Hathaway allegedly had no knowledge of his misdeeds, the young actress found herself entangled in one of New York's most juicy scams, one that ensnared everyone from the Clintons to Trump to John McCain in its sticky web." Hmm, am I the only one who finds this unexpected penchant of Anne's for bad boys oddly refreshing? Perhaps that stick isn't as far up her ass as I had originally believed. And I have to say, this plot line sounds WAY more interesting than Ocean's 8 was.

4. The following two Instagram pictures, which encapsulate the current (disastrous) state of American politics far better than I ever could. . .

5. Crayola is partnering with ASOS to launch a new line of cosmetics in the most beautiful fusion of my adulthood and childhood passions, and I'm so here for it. I haven't been this nostalgically excited since the Spice Girls announced that they might be taking up a Las Vegas residency.

6. To my abject outrage, Sofia Richie and Scott Disick (that parasite that suckles at the Kardashian teat) are STILL together. I even read somewhere that they're now cohabiting, which I'm sure Lionel Richie is not too pleased about. The nauseating couple loves to post incessant Instagram pictures of themselves dining at five star restaurants and boarding privately chartered jets that I'm confident Sofia pays for. I can't explain what it is about this doomed union that has me so invested. Perhaps it's the fact that I have no patience for grown-ass men who date teenagers. It's also possible that this is just a symptom of my own daddy issues, and nothing more.

7. Social media recently coined the phrase "big-dick energy", and it's the adjective (or would it qualify as a noun?) I never knew I was missing in my vocabulary. Careful, men, you are now destined to be forever grouped into one of two classifications: Big-Dick Energy and Small-Dick Energy--the choice is yours. Though apparently big-dick energy transcends gender. I read that Rihanna is being touted as the patron saint of big-dick energy, and I actually think I agree. Not only did she publicly reject Drake, according to recent headlines, she also rented out an entire hotel floor because she was sick of other guests complaining about the smell of her weed smoking.

8. Some shirtless dumbass caused major traffic pandemonium last month, when he decided to climb a freeway sign in Downtown Los Angeles. And what was his reason for this incredibly annoying stunt, you ask? To protest pollution, apparently. Follow the link to watch a clip: https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/Man-on-110-Freeway-Sign-in-DTLA-486706261.html

9. Mindy Kaling recently went viral after Tweeting that she believes society will "regret this tiny sunglasses look", a sentiment that I tend to agree with. Nobody with a head as obscenely large as mine has any business wearing something so absurdly small. Well, dear readers, it appears that the fashion world has extrapolated upon the itty-bitty glasses look with the new dawn of the tiny handbag. Please refer to Exhibit A, the two photos of Dua Lipa I have included below. And I have to ask, what is the POINT of such a comically small purse?? Unless she's Mary Poppins, I don't know what she can even FIT in there, besides a condom and MAYBE some Visine eyedrops. Thoughts??

10. The IHOP/IHOB fiasco still has me shaking my head. I was so annoyed by the entire gimmick, I may not eat a burger OR pancakes ever again. We won't delve into it any further.

11. Apparently there's some creeper in the Bay Area who has been prowling around people's homes with his penis out. Authorities released a composite sketch and home security footage that captured a pretty clear image of his bicep tattoo. Unfortunately, I think the cops are going to have a difficult time locating this dude, because he looks like every generic guy that my friends have ever drunkenly made out with at bars.

12. After the incredible rescue of twelve soccer players stranded in a Thai cave, I have read reports that medical professionals are concerned that the boys may be suffering from something called "histoplasmosis", otherwise known as "cave disease". According to a CNN article, the disease is thought to originate from bat droppings, and can present as "pneumonia-like symptoms". Researching this topic reminds me of the day I learned of the existence of cat scratch fever, and spiraled down a hypochondriac WebMD rabbit hole that STILL causes me to break out in a cold sweat (a possible symptom of cat scratch fever) each time I come face to face with a cat. Now I apparently have to avoid caves for the rest of my life, too.

13. Last week I learned that Kanye West once worked as a retail associate at The Gap, and I still can't explain why this delights me to such a great extent.

14. My archenemy, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, recently outraged me by posting a picture of his dog on Instagram. And I'm pissed because his adorable little pooch bears an uncanny resemblance to my own French bulldog, and love of my life, Walter. The thought of having anything in common with that Jumanji-ruining monster makes my skin crawl.

15. While browsing news headlines last week, I discovered an article about a 92-year-old woman who murdered her own son for attempting to put her in a nursing home. *Prints article and pastes to vision board, as a cautionary tale to my future children/grandchildren.

16. Los Angeles recently celebrated the announcement that NBA legend, LeBron James, will be joining the LA Lakers this upcoming season. Combined with RiRi, I'm not sure this smoggy, congested-ass city can handle all that big-dick energy in one area code.

17. I'm going to end with a topic that is possibly the most important item on this list. My life was changed last month when I discovered an Instagram page that has rocked my world and libido levels ever since. 'Badly Photoshopped Timmy' is a blog centered around sex god/French actor Timothee Chalamet, and I. Am. Into. It. The genius who created this page masterfully photoshops Timothee's beautiful likeness into classic Renaissance style paintings that are basically artsy-girl porn. You're welcome.

CinderHELLa

Hold the guac, I prefer extra shoes.

And when I say extra, I mean EXTRA. I mean fuzzy pompoms, cheetah print, and. . . bread loaves? For a wallflower like me, it's comforting to know that people are most likely checking out my flashy-ass footwear instead of my darting, anxiety-ridden eyes. Nobody realizes you're wearing a metaphorical mask when the mask is so in-your-face. And I like it that way.

Jelly sandals, because obviously I'm a giant 7-year-old.

Are Succulents Poisonous to Dogs. . . ? And Other Millennial Concerns

1. Are succulents poisonous to dogs? I often worry that these fickle desert plants I unintentionally kill so often will avenge themselves by murdering my precious bulldog.

2. But are acai bowls really healthy?!

3. I refuse to believe that MTV's Nev and Max aren't secret lovers. Or am I the only person left on the planet who still devours this trash like a heroin addict?

4. Why do ads for pregnancy tests continue popping up on my various social media feeds? Is there something the omniscient Mark Zuckerberg's algorithm knows that I don't? *Promptly fishes out a creased bag of Planned Parenthood goodies from a former, pre-monogamy life.*

5. Google Search: Is it unsafe to ingest Plan B pills that are two years past their expiration date?

6. I once read that Aileen Wuornos alleged that the world would end in 2019. And while I typically wouldn't lend much credibility to the predictions of one of America's most infamous serial killers, I would be a liar if I pretended that her 'apocalypse is nigh' claims don't make me itch with anxiety.

7. How many times is too many times to eat Pieology Pizza in a week?

8. Am I irreparably damaging my psyche and/or mental wellbeing by listening to heinously morbid podcasts like Sword & Scale? I'm beginning to think so. Lately, I've taken to showering with the plastic curtain fully ajar, lest any knife-wielding intruders try and blitzkrieg me with an attack. I would not recommend this mode of security for those who value the condition of their bathroom flooring.

9. I'm ashamed that the hopeless nostalgic in me is secretly rooting for the doomed reunion of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. Just once, can't young, ill-advised love trump all?

10. Is if safe to leave my Blue Apron meal subscription box in my mailbox overnight, or will I kill myself through my own epic laziness? *Switches to vegetarian plan to avoid salmonella and/or e. coli poisoning.*

11. What in the actual FUCK is a macro?! Many have tried to explain, but my peasant eyes immediately glaze over whenever Fit People talk to me about fitness.

12. Are chili cheese fries a macro?

13. What exactly has your life come to when your afternoons consist of slipping on a rubber Frida Kahlo mask, for just a moment of respite from yourself?