Shit That's Gone Down Recently. . .

This list is in no particular order. It is not centered on a cohesive topic. Don't try to find an overarching theme to this post. It makes about as much sense as my jumbled-ass psyche.

1. Lately there has been an overwhelming influx of whirlwind celebrity engagements, the likes of which we haven't seen since the days of Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian. To name a few of the recently engaged: Ariana Grande & Pete Davidson, Justin Bieber & Hailey Baldwin, and now Nick Jonas & Priyanka Chopra. All these crazy kids have been dating less than two months, and the only thing I can fixate on is whether they were smart enough to sign prenups. On another note, there is a apparently a viral (albeit ridiculous) Twitter theory making the rounds, alleging that the recent engagements can be attributed to impending apocalyptic mayhem. I have included a screenshot below for reference.

2. I recently discovered the existence of an AMAZING UK television series called 100% Hotter. This utterly delightful garbage centers around a team of three stylists tasked with performing radical makeunders on guests who are deemed to be "too much" by their friends and families. It evokes memories of long-ago days spent watching America's Next Top Model and other similarly superficial trash. Binge it. You won't be sorry.

3. My mind was fucking BLOWN this week when, according to The Cut, I learned that Anne Hathaway apparently once dated a con man. Insert confused face. The article states that little ol' Annie's ex, Raffaello Follieri, allegedly pled guilty to 14 counts of wire fraud, conspiracy, and money laundering. It goes on to say that our favorite princess of Genovia was never informed of her beau's shady dealings and seemed to have no involvement with the heist. "While Hathaway allegedly had no knowledge of his misdeeds, the young actress found herself entangled in one of New York's most juicy scams, one that ensnared everyone from the Clintons to Trump to John McCain in its sticky web." Hmm, am I the only one who finds this unexpected penchant of Anne's for bad boys oddly refreshing? Perhaps that stick isn't as far up her ass as I had originally believed. And I have to say, this plot line sounds WAY more interesting than Ocean's 8 was.

4. The following two Instagram pictures, which encapsulate the current (disastrous) state of American politics far better than I ever could. . .

5. Crayola is partnering with ASOS to launch a new line of cosmetics in the most beautiful fusion of my adulthood and childhood passions, and I'm so here for it. I haven't been this nostalgically excited since the Spice Girls announced that they might be taking up a Las Vegas residency.

6. To my abject outrage, Sofia Richie and Scott Disick (that parasite that suckles at the Kardashian teat) are STILL together. I even read somewhere that they're now cohabiting, which I'm sure Lionel Richie is not too pleased about. The nauseating couple loves to post incessant Instagram pictures of themselves dining at five star restaurants and boarding privately chartered jets that I'm confident Sofia pays for. I can't explain what it is about this doomed union that has me so invested. Perhaps it's the fact that I have no patience for grown-ass men who date teenagers. It's also possible that this is just a symptom of my own daddy issues, and nothing more.

7. Social media recently coined the phrase "big-dick energy", and it's the adjective (or would it qualify as a noun?) I never knew I was missing in my vocabulary. Careful, men, you are now destined to be forever grouped into one of two classifications: Big-Dick Energy and Small-Dick Energy--the choice is yours. Though apparently big-dick energy transcends gender. I read that Rihanna is being touted as the patron saint of big-dick energy, and I actually think I agree. Not only did she publicly reject Drake, according to recent headlines, she also rented out an entire hotel floor because she was sick of other guests complaining about the smell of her weed smoking.

8. Some shirtless dumbass caused major traffic pandemonium last month, when he decided to climb a freeway sign in Downtown Los Angeles. And what was his reason for this incredibly annoying stunt, you ask? To protest pollution, apparently. Follow the link to watch a clip: https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/Man-on-110-Freeway-Sign-in-DTLA-486706261.html

9. Mindy Kaling recently went viral after Tweeting that she believes society will "regret this tiny sunglasses look", a sentiment that I tend to agree with. Nobody with a head as obscenely large as mine has any business wearing something so absurdly small. Well, dear readers, it appears that the fashion world has extrapolated upon the itty-bitty glasses look with the new dawn of the tiny handbag. Please refer to Exhibit A, the two photos of Dua Lipa I have included below. And I have to ask, what is the POINT of such a comically small purse?? Unless she's Mary Poppins, I don't know what she can even FIT in there, besides a condom and MAYBE some Visine eyedrops. Thoughts??

10. The IHOP/IHOB fiasco still has me shaking my head. I was so annoyed by the entire gimmick, I may not eat a burger OR pancakes ever again. We won't delve into it any further.

11. Apparently there's some creeper in the Bay Area who has been prowling around people's homes with his penis out. Authorities released a composite sketch and home security footage that captured a pretty clear image of his bicep tattoo. Unfortunately, I think the cops are going to have a difficult time locating this dude, because he looks like every generic guy that my friends have ever drunkenly made out with at bars.

12. After the incredible rescue of twelve soccer players stranded in a Thai cave, I have read reports that medical professionals are concerned that the boys may be suffering from something called "histoplasmosis", otherwise known as "cave disease". According to a CNN article, the disease is thought to originate from bat droppings, and can present as "pneumonia-like symptoms". Researching this topic reminds me of the day I learned of the existence of cat scratch fever, and spiraled down a hypochondriac WebMD rabbit hole that STILL causes me to break out in a cold sweat (a possible symptom of cat scratch fever) each time I come face to face with a cat. Now I apparently have to avoid caves for the rest of my life, too.

13. Last week I learned that Kanye West once worked as a retail associate at The Gap, and I still can't explain why this delights me to such a great extent.

14. My archenemy, Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, recently outraged me by posting a picture of his dog on Instagram. And I'm pissed because his adorable little pooch bears an uncanny resemblance to my own French bulldog, and love of my life, Walter. The thought of having anything in common with that Jumanji-ruining monster makes my skin crawl.

15. While browsing news headlines last week, I discovered an article about a 92-year-old woman who murdered her own son for attempting to put her in a nursing home. *Prints article and pastes to vision board, as a cautionary tale to my future children/grandchildren.

16. Los Angeles recently celebrated the announcement that NBA legend, LeBron James, will be joining the LA Lakers this upcoming season. Combined with RiRi, I'm not sure this smoggy, congested-ass city can handle all that big-dick energy in one area code.

17. I'm going to end with a topic that is possibly the most important item on this list. My life was changed last month when I discovered an Instagram page that has rocked my world and libido levels ever since. 'Badly Photoshopped Timmy' is a blog centered around sex god/French actor Timothee Chalamet, and I. Am. Into. It. The genius who created this page masterfully photoshops Timothee's beautiful likeness into classic Renaissance style paintings that are basically artsy-girl porn. You're welcome.