Are Succulents Poisonous to Dogs. . . ? And Other Millennial Concerns

1. Are succulents poisonous to dogs? I often worry that these fickle desert plants I unintentionally kill so often will avenge themselves by murdering my precious bulldog.

2. But are acai bowls really healthy?!

3. I refuse to believe that MTV's Nev and Max aren't secret lovers. Or am I the only person left on the planet who still devours this trash like a heroin addict?

4. Why do ads for pregnancy tests continue popping up on my various social media feeds? Is there something the omniscient Mark Zuckerberg's algorithm knows that I don't? *Promptly fishes out a creased bag of Planned Parenthood goodies from a former, pre-monogamy life.*

5. Google Search: Is it unsafe to ingest Plan B pills that are two years past their expiration date?

6. I once read that Aileen Wuornos alleged that the world would end in 2019. And while I typically wouldn't lend much credibility to the predictions of one of America's most infamous serial killers, I would be a liar if I pretended that her 'apocalypse is nigh' claims don't make me itch with anxiety.

7. How many times is too many times to eat Pieology Pizza in a week?

8. Am I irreparably damaging my psyche and/or mental wellbeing by listening to heinously morbid podcasts like Sword & Scale? I'm beginning to think so. Lately, I've taken to showering with the plastic curtain fully ajar, lest any knife-wielding intruders try and blitzkrieg me with an attack. I would not recommend this mode of security for those who value the condition of their bathroom flooring.

9. I'm ashamed that the hopeless nostalgic in me is secretly rooting for the doomed reunion of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. Just once, can't young, ill-advised love trump all?

10. Is if safe to leave my Blue Apron meal subscription box in my mailbox overnight, or will I kill myself through my own epic laziness? *Switches to vegetarian plan to avoid salmonella and/or e. coli poisoning.*

11. What in the actual FUCK is a macro?! Many have tried to explain, but my peasant eyes immediately glaze over whenever Fit People talk to me about fitness.

12. Are chili cheese fries a macro?

13. What exactly has your life come to when your afternoons consist of slipping on a rubber Frida Kahlo mask, for just a moment of respite from yourself?